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For the record, I leave Saturday. |
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In one of the last chapels of last semester, Associate Dean of Students Tim Clark got up and gave a word. Generally, I can shrug these off as not applying to me, because usually they come with some kind of qualifier that I can use to exclude myself - not this one. The word was 'surrender.' By Tim, God basically said that someone in the crowd was only holding one thing back from God: full-time vocational ministry. Everything else, this person had pretty much fully surrendered to God, but when it came to ministry as a vocation, they wouldn't give. According to Tim, God was calling that person to surrender.
That person was me.
For those who have talked to me recently, I am pretty dead set in my ways that I am not going to be a pastor for a living. I have so many excuses for not doing it, that the very notion has been driven from the realm of logic in my mind. There are some things that qualify me to be a pastor, yes, but at the same time, there are a great many more things that disqualify me. I'm logical and can very quickly exegete a scripture verse with good accuracy. A sharp, analytical mind would only help me in a pastoral role, and the fact that I can pick my way around a keyboard is also a plus.
But there's always the negatives. I have a hard time dealing with people and their problems. Advice has never been my best field, though rarely will I give it. Public speaking is out, because I tend to speak too fast and stutter when I talk. That, and my voice for speaking is either really high and nasally, or low, deep, and horribly fake. I'm nothing great to look at, and am hardly capable of maintaining a spotless life in the face of the criticism that the job would entail. Then there's the factor of being able to love all the people I'd have to love, and actually loving them instead of saying, "yeah, I care," but then forgetting their name and all about them.
Then this morning rolled around, and pastor Gil at my church gave a message entitled, 'No More Inadequacies.' While I didn't quite catch all of what he had to say, the Holy Spirit did more talking to me.
Excuses won't cut it, he says, take that last paragraph you just wrote and throw it out the window. What are you, afraid?
Quite frankly, yes, I am afraid. I know I'm not cut out to be a pastor, and I know that I'd be better able to serve in some other capacity. Let me be a tech the rest of my life: I'll be happy.
I watched America's Funniest Home Videos tonight (bear with me, it's relevant I swear), and it was a show around practical jokes - most of which involved scaring other people. I don't fear much of anything, because I know that in everything, God is working for my good (and stories like the one Ko linked me to only strengthen that knowledge). But there is one thing I fear above all else: I fear myself. I know my own limitations and boundaries that I have set. I know that if I were ever to go into vocational ministry or into some kind of church setting, I would inevitably fail and leave nothing but ruin, pain, and suffering in my wake. I've seen it happen so many times to others far more qualified than I, and I am deathly afraid of being hurt or hurting the ones I pose to love.
But don't you trust me? He asks as a plethora of other notions and Bible verses about fear stream into my mind.
I don't know... |
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So that's not what it's called, I know.
Am I finally settling into contentment of being single? I mean, there is that lingering loathing of being alone, but is my dread of never finding someone really starting to diminish?
Could I really go on for 80 years without someone to love? |
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So I thought I'd post real quick after yesterday's post of ZOMGIMDYING!!!1
Basically, after examining everything that could possibly be related to the chest pain, Dr. Samant said that he couldn't find anything swolen or out of place, and so therefore didn't think it was anything serious. In all likelihood, he said, I either pulled a muscle in that region or aggravated the lining of my lungs somehow. Either one should start to feel better over the weekend, but if it doesn't, he said to give him a call. Oh, and I got X-Rays, too (just in case one of my ribs happened to randomly snap for no good reason at all). Results of that will be in Monday.
In the mean time, MHS' Graduation is tonight. Anyone know what time it starts? I'm planning on showing up at Mechanic's Hall at around 6:45... |
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So Monday morning, I started to notice a pain in my side around 10:00 AM. It wasn't anything severe, so I just ignored it and went on with my work. But as the day went on, it got worse and worse. To date, it hasn't gone away.
It's a sharp pain at the bottom right of my ribcage that is aggravated by sudden or deep inhalations (or both). This means that it really only hurts to laugh, cough, sneeze, or yawn. I expect that singing in the correct way would also be painful. I'm fairly sure that, because of what it takes to aggravate it, it's a muscular thing, but I'm going to the doctor's this afternoon just to be sure.
On a less painful note, my sister and I spent the last two days in New York City. Walking was a new brand of hell, but I really enjoyed the musical that we went to see: Wicked. It was different from my expectations, and I thought that Galinda/Glinda was overacted a bit, but overall I thought it was good.
We also got to see some of the city's sights, which made me feel touristy, but at least Abby had fun. As she said, I had nowhere specifically that I wanted to go, so following her around the city was more than tollerable.
In any case, now I go to shower and then to go to get gas and go to the doctor's office...The Sounds: Something by the Murphys... |
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So next fall I'm planning on applying to work at Best Buy with my friend right up the street - where he says they'll hire me no problem. I just did a store locator thing to find that there is also a Best Buy in Milford. That makes things a great deal easier...
May. 8th, 2008 @ 01:21 am
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| » Glasses... |
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So here's another thing that I have to do this summer:
Get contacts.
After looking through the photos of me that other people have posted to my facebook, I have decided that the glasses need to go. Hell, maybe even just making them reading glasses would work, but these aren't helping matters any...
More later on all the other plans I have for this summer.
Apr. 27th, 2008 @ 12:27 pm
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| » Career Exploration 1 - Pastor |
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So this is something new I'm going to be doing over the next couple weeks. Why? I need to decide what I'm going to do, and so I need to examine all of the options before me and determine their value to me, their value to others, and their value to God. While I can't hope to be accurate in all counts, I figure a decision of the scale on which I have to make requires extensive thought and analysis. Once I have laid everything out before me, I'll review and, with prayer and some gusto, make my choice, and pursue it fully unless God gets in my way.
So, hopefully every two or three nights, I'm going to take a career and mull it over in my head by 1) looking at the requisites for it, 2) looking at the benefits of it, 3) examining the "ministry opportunities" in them (Christianese for how many and what kinds of people I can befriend), 4) counting the cost of that kind of career, and 5) summing it up with how well I think I'd do in that kind of career. You can reply if you'd like and give input, as I'll admit that I don't know myself terribly well, but please don't try and sway my thoughts on the matter in one way or another. This is just an analysis, and I'm trying to be as empyrical as possible so that my decision will be the best one.
Tonight, I'm looking at the career of a ( Pastor. )
Put under the cut so as to prevent scroll-rape.
Apr. 21st, 2008 @ 03:39 am
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Who am I?
Apr. 9th, 2008 @ 04:29 pm
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| » A mess... |
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This; this is a mess. Out of all my classes, I think I’m maybe passing one or two at the moment? I can’t say for sure. Teachers don’t keep track of grades as well here as they did in high school, or at least if they do, they don’t let us know when we’re failing their classes. I suppose that responsibility was supposed to fall on me as a student. I’m supposed to keep track of my own progress and my own grade, right? But with all the different grading mechanisms they have, it’s a real pain in the neck to track them all. Still, if the majority of the work hasn’t been done for a class, it’s safe to say that the grade I’ll get in it reflects that: an F, to be sure.
So then, why haven’t I been doing the homework? Homework is boring, for one. It’s a lot of work that you generally have to put into it, but you will rarely, if ever, get anything out of it. Skills towards the desired end? No, you don’t even get that. I could do the work if I wanted to. I already know how to get an A, I already know what it’s like to sit on the top of the grade sheet. I’ve been there before. There’s nothing there. Nothing but empty satisfaction. When you’re at the top, there is nowhere to go.
Getting the A has no appeal to me. It’s a target, sure, but it’s one that I already know I can hit. Easily, in fact, if I were to try. But because I already know it’s within arm’s reach, I don’t try. I’m no longer motivated to get the A, and so have no real reason to do the homework. That’s all it’s good for, right? For a class like Roots, I’ll say that yes, it is. Everything else, though? Doing the homework is supposed to be directly teaching things through the process of completing it. By doing the homework, I should be able to learn stuff and be able to track my learning.
Does the problem then lie in a lack of desire to learn? I already know a lot. I learned a lot in High School by getting good grades there—I don’t have any need to learn more than I know, because what I learned in High School apparently was still more than most did, and I tend to retain knowledge very well. Regularly I’m able to test my knowledge against everyone else, and usually either they know more in a field I don’t particularly care about, or I know more. Counting the times I used the word “I” in this paragraph (10) points to a pride problem. Am I just caught up in my own illusion that I’m at some kind of intellectual pinnacle? There is no need for me to learn more either way: what I know is enough to keep me afloat in the world. Granted, I’d need a college degree to be able to adequately launch out on my own, but I could survive long enough to get one.
Isn’t that why I’m here? I’m here so as to get my college degree, and my parents are graciously paving the path beneath my feet to help me live a successful life. Ecclesiastes says it isn’t worth it, though. Simply getting the diploma and surviving…that’s not worth anything on its own. The success of one man in the grand scheme of things means nothing, as nothing that he accomplishes for himself will last beyond the span of his lifetime. The point of that book? Fear the Lord and keep His commandments. But we already knew that. Isn’t that the main reason why I’m here?
Life Pacific College; this school in Southern California where I came to seek the face of the Lord and His will for my life. Four semesters later, and I’m still not sure. In fact, after the first few weeks, I only ever found myself frustrated at the fact that everything I learned in High School is going to waste. I’ve encountered a broad spectrum of thoughts concerning how to seek the Lord, but nothing that has worked for me with 100% assurance. That’s why we have faith, yes, but at the same time I still find myself doubting horribly whether or not I can hear from God, and sometimes if He’s truly paying attention to me. Reason being that the last two “words” I’ve received from Him have been largely inaccurate: how can God be proud of me when I’ve done nothing worth Him being proud of? How can God say that I’m good at rationing my time with Him, when I haven’t had a devotional time in months? Outside of required reading and outside of church, I haven’t touched a Bible in a long while. Is He trying to be sarcastic? Is He trying to be ironic? It doesn’t make sense to me…
This latest bit about transferring to Azusa Pacific University also has me especially confused. In the nightly prayer meeting that I’ve started attending, last week I decided through logical deduction that it made a lot more sense for me to go to APU. That’s how I figured out that my future was going to be something about music at that summer camp so very long ago, and because it was done at the altar I considered it to be from God. Truth? I suck at hearing from God. I am absolutely horrible at discerning what he’s saying to me or to anyone else.
In any case, I went ahead and told parents about it, and proceeded to research the requirements for transfer. Two semesters with no D’s or F’s is what they want. That’s something I can’t provide for another year. There is no room for me to get out of this semester without at least one F, and here I thought transferring to Azusa Pacific was going to be a next semester type of thing. I could go for a freshman application and then see if I could transfer units in later on, but I don’t know how this stuff works.
For now, I’m more concerned with this semester. As it stands, I am failing most if not all of my classes for not having done the work. Part of this can be blamed on ASB, part of it can be blamed on Halo, part of it can be blamed on Guitar Hero, part of it can be blamed on the internet and its snares, but the guilt ultimately falls on me. Was I unproductive this semester? Scholastically, yes. I was doing other things this semester. Three maps made in Halo heralded as some of the best forged maps people have ever seen are proof of that, as well as the completion of a 94-page writing project for Divvy and countless other graphical productions, and a whole bunch of time spent building skills in Guitar Hero.
My time is spent on worthless things. Unless by some fluke Bungie sees my maps and recruits me to a full-time job designing maps for them, those were done in vain. The writing project has only been read by some 20 people, and would take too long to adapt for public audiences to be worth anything. Guitar Hero…I’m not even going to go there. The only thing that counts for anything is graphics, as I’ve been refining my skills all the more, but as yet I don’t have enough experience for any kind of internship or career opportunities.
What am I doing at Bible College? I’m not going to be a pastor, am I? I’m not cut out for it. I don’t know how to love one person, let alone an entire congregation full of people. I don’t know how to preach. It’s all stuff that God could fix, but…I don’t want to be a pastor, either. I came to the realization two semesters ago that there was nothing that I couldn’t do. If I wanted to, I could enter into any field and prosper and climb my way to the top. But that begged the question: what do I want to do with my life? There are so many options available to me that choosing one over any of the others seems somehow wrong. Narrow minded, almost. I couldn’t—can’t decide on my own. How do I know which is the best choice to make? I wish I could do it all. Acting, singing, writing, computer tech, mathematics, science – I want all of it. God’s given me a lot, and being here at Bible College is killing it. But I don’t know how to fix it. I know I can’t have it all, but I don’t know what to choose.
Problem is that this choice weighs in on everything. No matter what I choose, my next actions are determined by it. Without fail, this is the time for me to decide what comes next. I need to break down and repair. I need to focus the scattered pieces of my life in one place and put all that I have on the table. It’s like a game of roulette. If I want to do anything worthwhile, it’s all or nothing. I know that the time has come to go all in, but I see it as a gamble. It’s got me nervous, but I know that God’s whispering in my ear and telling me where the ball’s going to land. If only I could hear what He’s saying…
Help?
Apr. 7th, 2008 @ 03:30 pm
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